Scream Your Heart Out

2011-03-19T11:39:00.001-07:00

Oh and going to try that French post every dayish thing again!!! Which failed miserably lmao. ANYWAY!!! NOW TO WATCH ALADDIN EN FRANCAIS!

2011-03-19T11:21:00.000-07:00

Since I dropped my tumblr, I think I'll get back into the swing of things with this blog. Sorry for abandoning you, friend.

I think this is better anyway since no one reads this and there's no reblogging feature and what not.

Anyway, I'm trying to find money for tomorrow's bake sale XD! I'm baking cupcakes and making lemonade and etc. It'll be a pain in the butt to bring onto the bus but it's for a good cause. It'll be a perfect way to end the March Break :)

Today I also started working out. I think after another turn down in which...is the result of me not being attractive enough, I've burst a bubble and am seriously determined to lose weight. Maybe not too much - yet, considering that I still need to fit my prom dress lmao and I doubt I can lose enough to fit into my sister's dress by prom.

So my plans for today? Baking and making lemonade while rocking out to some Glee and Lady Gaga, making a poster...maybe? I guess XD and working out while watching Glee episodes and movies in French. YEAH!

MUST. BECOME. FLUENT. IN. FRENCH. TO. IMPRESS. TEACHER. AND. NOT. FAIL. UNIVERSITY.

MUST. LOSE. WEIGHT. FOR. HEALTH. REASONS. TO. IMPRESS. FAMILY. AND. MAYBE. STOP. GETTING. REJECTED. FYEAH!

Also, I really need to stop swearing for my lenten promise. I keep failing -_-;

New Year

2011-01-04T20:49:00.000-08:00

Time to shape up everyone! Time to smile, time to be brave, time to jump off a cliff and into the world below!!!!

Time to push onwards to victory! Time to be happy! Time to smile and laugh like a loud, obnoxious idiot!

Time to be a real, strong leader.

Time to be me.

2010-12-16T22:46:00.001-08:00

why does it feel like things are falling apart?

2010-11-18T12:53:00.000-08:00

Hello friends.

I don't know if it's the weather, the stress, the depressing music, the atmosphere, or if it's just me but I haven't been doing great.

I'm starting to question whether or not I'm okay anymore.

I still get excited.
I still get happy sometimes.
I'm active, I'm making new friends, I'm making a difference and my dreams are slowly becoming a reality in front of me.

But - there's that feeling of sadness. I need to cry but nothing has been sad enough to make me destroy my lungs and burn my eyes.

Everything inside and out hurts life holy fucking hell. My legs burn and I still continue to carve away at them, being at 0 days for the past 3.

What the fuck is going on? I feel so devastated - so depressed - so out of it.
I noticed my writing is getting fucked up too. I'd write something then come back to see it as gibberish.

And it sucks now because everytime something remotely bad or heart breaking happens, I feel like someone pushed a knife into my chest.

I need to cry, I really do.

2010-11-03T21:14:00.000-07:00

Hey blog. I miss you :(

It's 12:13 AM and I'm painting since it's due tomorrow. Exciting, right? Also watching 50 First Dates. So I'm totally addicted to tumblr! It's really Glee/Faberry centred so...yeah.

School is so stressful right now I want to explode D: But I guess it's like that for everyone so! I must persevere :D

Goodnight everyone <3

2010-10-18T15:10:00.000-07:00

When you go away it's like you hide the sun.

-The Weepies

It's so weird.

2010-10-18T14:53:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't updated in so long guys. I've been so busy and I've been using tumblr too.

So what's new with me? Well we made Cafe Night~

And I reaaaaaaaaally miss actively liking someone near me. *cough* I'm so ridiculous and stupid. God, what's wrong with me? ._.

yeah yeah yeah yeah wut?

2010-09-21T19:26:00.001-07:00

That episode of Glee caused so many mixed feelings! HOLY CRAP, BUT NOW ALL I WANT IS THE NEXT EPISODE....8D AWW, IS CHARICE NOT GOING TO SHOW UP AGAIN? /FROWN

find out how the story ends

2010-09-09T20:33:00.000-07:00

Oh and another thing. They're getting weirder every time. I don't want to forget to say this, because I probably will.

But she thinks I don't care. Like, at all. She told me that I'm completely lazy and selfish and think only about myself and my feelings. She even yelled at me for crying; like that even helps.

Isn't that ridiculous?

And then the next day she's all smiles again.

Please tell me that this won't become normal because I can't take it any longer. I swear, one of us should do drugs or I might as well tell them everything about my cutting and how I've contemplated suicide and how I still do every now and then.

...I--

I'm happy again and I swear to God I'm not touching another blade for the rest of the school year. After all, I need to beat 70 days. I can't let them bring me down.

I'm rushing forward, charging ahead. I'm excited for eXe, I'm pumped for Cafe night, I can't wait til we get more work in art and I'm excited for the end of the day to see her, the only woman who consistently keeps me in smiles. She adores me too which I love~

Someone help me think of a birthday gift o_o...

So this ended up being confusing and longer than expected. I never expect the lot of you to understand everything, but thanks for reading this and hearing me out.

I want you all to smile, okay? Smile for me, for yourself and for that brighter tomorrow.

it's just some little thing

2010-09-09T20:26:00.001-07:00

I'm so bad~ Sneaking onto the comp again.

Hehe~ ANYWAY! I'M SO HAPPY! God, I missed her. And I miss certain other people, but I'll live. So I'm getting my own cell soon...unlimited texting ! So I'll give you my number if you ask :)

Classes are going well although...I'm not entirely fond of blondes. Just saying.

I'll get into more detail once the weekend hits. But for now, peace out!

faithfully

2010-09-07T16:37:00.000-07:00

Oh, hey guys. So school started again! It's really intense and shit, like seriously. This whole year, i'm not allowed to use the internet on the weekdays! And you know why? It's the sacrifice that i must make in order to do eXe. Harsh, isn't it? I guess I'll tell you all about my week on the weekends then...Maybe this'll really help my work habits.

Anyway, I do have Sunshine as a teacher! Not twice, like I hoped but i do have her next semester! It makes me really, really happy. Seriously, there are no words.

So it's good to be back! Things are good, I'm happy, and well, good luck to me and everyone else!

2010-08-28T23:36:00.001-07:00

I. I can't.

Sorry.

2010-08-28T22:43:00.001-07:00

I don't even know. I'm so fucking depressed, I just can't wait for school.

and she sang

2010-08-28T22:40:00.001-07:00

Is it bad that I read angst just to cry?

Anyway, I did horribly this time. 10 days only. What's wrong with me?

2010-08-21T09:06:00.000-07:00

Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
-Falling Slowly; Glen Hansard

2010-08-20T02:16:00.001-07:00

5:15AM

Eyes are finally dragging.

Night.

2010-08-20T01:43:00.001-07:00

It's 4:43AM.

I don't want to sleep.

It hurts.

What the fuck am I going to do when a real problem hits?

2010-08-20T01:39:00.000-07:00

Why do I feel so good whenever I look at them?

Why does it feel so good to inflict the pain?

Am I punishing myself? Am I satisfied with it?

There are so many fucking reasons behind all this.

I'm just feeling really desperate and worthless and full of shit right now.

RPing and writing fic and music and all those other distractions make me happy.

But I just can't seem to...come to terms with whatever the fuck this is.

Why do I feel so disgusting and worthless and alone all the time?

I just...I can't.

MLWSWY~

2010-08-19T22:24:00.000-07:00

Now I don't know, the number thing is really useful. I have no ideas the gaps inbetween the times I do you know what. But maybe that's for the best?

I dunno, if I keep the numbers, I don't have to lie. When I take them away I make it way easier for myself to lie...

Meh.

On a lighter note, today was a lot of fun! :)

Thanks guys~ I'll miss you so much when you're being all grown up and off to university. Love you!

why?

2010-08-18T08:03:00.000-07:00

Okay so...I broke my promise.

All I can say is sorry, but I know it won't take anything back.

I...I won't make any more promises.

Give me another year or so-- I swear I'll get better.

dream on

2010-08-16T22:12:00.000-07:00

So, I don't know what's wrong with me, but I guess this is normal.

I know how much it hurts, what it takes to do it, and how hard it is to get over it, really. Sometimes I'd sit alone and sing to myself, trying so hard to resist that sting, the blade, the release of blood when my skin parts and leaves a scar that stays for days, weeks, months and maybe years.

I even think about lying. About doing it in secret where no one can see it. Am I mad? Is there something wrong with me? Why the fuck do I do this? I hurt myself and I hurt my friends when they find out.

And there it goes, the fucking waterworks. I'm reading this angsty story in which a girl believes that she doesn't deserve to be loved and is cutting herself and I think it's ridiculous...but I can't stop reading. And I read another thing about a guy who cuts himself because it's the only thing he knows that's real in his life.

It's so dramatic, so fucking dramatic how I'm like this, how I think like this, but it's so real at the same time.

It hurts, it hurts every time I think about it, and every time I stop myself. I just can't win! I try to just not think about it, be content, be happy with my life. And I have so many distractions, so many loving friends and my family too.

Everything is supposed to be good now, I don't get it. I just don't fucking get it.

Sorry I've been ignoring you, blog. I need to finish up that wonderland post and put up other things...

anyway-- today makes 69...great, ain't it?

OHHH, THIS IS AN S.O.S -is shot-

2010-07-26T21:22:00.000-07:00

So, today, or rather, yesterday was one of the best times of my life.

WONDERLAND WITH LORAINE, JUR, KENO AND TIEN...PLUS ADRIAN, FRANCIS AND NEW FRIEND MEGGIE!

Here's how it went down...

So we started out with meeting at the front. Tita Cherry didn't know we weren't going swimming and we were all like...the truck? OH WELL, and she was pulling around a crate or something with her, it was pretty funny. We ended up seperating ways since Ricahr isn't one for rollercoasters.

So, THE BAT. We walked over there first and I find out that JUR has never been there before. I tell her it's fun and to relax and we only had to wait for like a minute to go on. IT WAS WONDERFUL, REALLY. RIGHT OFF THE BAT SHE WAS FREAKING OUT. We thought it'd help to have a normal conversation but that died quickly. I FELT SCARED AND SHIT, LIKE USUAL, BUT THE WHOLE TIME I WAS LAUGHING MY ASS OFF!! JUR's screaming is like nothing I've ever heard before (ew...) and I got off the ride CRYING, from all the laughing. Loraine said JUR was so loud and I have to say I agree.

TO BE CONTINUED....

your lipstick stains

2010-07-23T18:30:00.000-07:00

J'ai presque accompli le jeu. Je n'ai aucune vie. Ok, j'avais travaillé à ce comique et j'avais attendu très patiemment pour aller à Curry's!! Il y a tellement que je veux…Je suis allé au Wonderland récemment. Leur poutine goûte vraiment bon! Je suis désolé au sujet des entrées courtes, je ne peux pas réellement les rendre longues parce que je suis trop paresseux. >_< !!

I think I'll finish Abyss tonight :D Or tomorrow~ then quick second playthrough in which I get every costume !! :D SOOO EXCITED!

Anyway, going to the beach AGAIN tomorrow >_< ... maaaaan

He's a japanese boy...o_o

2010-07-21T20:38:00.000-07:00

So I was reading my old posts...I needed it for refs for my comic and WOW.

My transition from Bunny to Octopus was so weird according to my blog, like I bet you couldn't even tell unless you talked to me directly. The feelings and rants for Bunny were intense though o_____O...Wow, and so the progress for Octopus was pretty realistic for once xD! Interesting...

Anyway, it's been 9 months...and I still like the same person...it's a fucking miracle! Sooo weird O_______O

Hehe, I'm glad though <3 Maybe it just means I'm growing up?! :D

J'AIME MA CHERIE! :D

la la la laaa

2010-07-21T19:41:00.001-07:00

Hey guys, I realized that I haven't had any descriptive blog entries in a while...excusez-moi... XD Heehee, I have so many adventures I need to tell someone about! I think I'll start tomorrow~

I miss my blog....

moleskine

2010-07-19T21:15:00.000-07:00

-sigh-

I REALLY REALLY WANT TO GO TO CURRYS

/sigh

QUEL DOMMAGE... D:

lol I think I spelt that wrong

hoo hah

2010-07-19T09:46:00.000-07:00

So I've been working hard on Trio Travels, beaching and losing track of my frenchness. XD I've been playing ToA and ToS again and it makes me happy, despite the fact that all I'm doing in sitting on a couch and reviewing canon. XD

How are all of you?

I'll post again later...maybe. Internet gets screwy.

nay wa

2010-07-15T23:06:00.000-07:00

Rencontrer de nouvelles personnes me rend toujours heureuse. Il m'a sûrement aidé à détendre...Je suis bien. Je serai toujours bien.

XD I just had to do it, une fois at least. :)

You are always going to be you, you will never be a better person because a better person is always what you're striving to be. <--- something I just told a friend of mine.

What do you think?

hey hey hey

2010-07-15T22:03:00.000-07:00

So, I'm a little mad right now...My friends put up this sign regarding cancer... "In honour of those who have died and are still fighting lung cancer." and it was epic, the idea, the setting, it was great and cute! and it wasnt saying things like "STOP SMOKING" or whatever, but yeah I guess to be honest it's really obvious that SOMEONE would be bound to destroy it...

and yes, you guessed it, SOMEONE BURNED IT. And it makes me so mad...so mad...so upset. :(

I'm...too off to blog in french right now... pooey >_<

Talking to my buddy about it. -sigh-

i'm gonna give all my secrets away

2010-07-14T23:00:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, it's me, up late again.

This whole job hunting business is a pain in my ass, and I'm not even putting as much effort as I should. I really want a job, but I don't. Anyway, I continue to apply online and send out resumes, trying to get a part time job for longer than just the summer time. Mostly because I want money so I can go out and because SOME people keep bothering me about it.

But it's true, I should have a job by now :( ...hopefully it'll randomly pop up at the end of August or something. I don't think I want to leave home XD it's so comfy here.

J'avais dessiné beaucoup récemment, j'avais gribouillé réellement. Je veux vraiment avoir un chapitre de "Trio Travels" fini vers la fin de l'été, et l'histoire et beaucoup de concept art. Et obtenez également sur le "These Days" ; projet aussi. Bonne chance a moi! Et bonne nuit !

you look like you just saw a ghost

2010-07-13T01:22:00.000-07:00

But I don't think that everyone has to get along with each other. It's
okay to dislike people. There will always be people who make you mad. But... I
do think we need to accept each other's rights to be here.
- Lloyd Irving

J'aime Lloyd! Il est tres epic. Il a un grand coeur! Je manque Tales of Symphonia... D:

Ohmygod, I should be sleeping. It's 4: 24 AM O_O

Bonne journee! Demaine, je dessinerai tout ce jour....probablement. ou... et "ap" pour le role de Lloyd Irving @ cette lj RP com.

EXPRESS YOURSELF

2010-07-11T19:25:00.000-07:00

Aujourd'hui je suis allé à la plage. C'était un beau jour pour une fois. Je suce au Français mais peut-être ceci aidera. Mon but est d'écrire au moins une phrase de journalier français. Alors je commencerai aujourd'hui.

lmao, thank you french-english dictionary for all those times before XD I will be abusing you now <3 (P.S. Thanks Taaash <3)

So, the only bad part about today was....trying so hard to hide those...things. I haven't done anything in 35 days but the scars scare the shit out of me. Hopefully they'll go away soon.

Comp is being bitchy...so no art for a while! D: IT SUCKSSS, but tomorrow Ima work on my Gaga painting <3

melt the ice ice baby

2010-07-03T23:57:00.001-07:00

so determined to get so much done this summer...already did a lot of art. like...her~ ain't she pretty?

heehee, anyway, rewatching some anime and browsing a lot of art...doing chores, watching movies, watching movies in french, and hanging out a lot! (L) summer = art and french mostly. and -hopefully- lose weight! :D !! also updating lots of stuff on my ff.net account...XD

love most of you! :) and go check out Mai Otome/Hime

BTW, don't watch Airbender, all your senses will wither away. SO BAD. SO BAD.

hope

2010-06-26T21:18:00.001-07:00

felt good seeeing you again :D missed you lots (L) let's see each other more often over the summer JUR! :D

anyway, my head hurts from the amount of weather changes and the amount of emotions I went through today...mostly the manga, the stress of today, the stupid protestors and the happiness from seeing JUR&family again.

I'm determined to...get a lot done this summer. I worked on a schedule early today. I will reach my goals...tomorrow will be the beginning of epicness.

:)

2010-06-26T14:25:00.000-07:00

this manga is getting me really....annoyed/mad/depressed/angry/whatevr.

the human race...it's potential and whatnot is pissing me off.

I fucking hate human beings sometimes

huh

2010-06-26T09:55:00.001-07:00

it's one of those days where I feel insecure

Take This to Heart (Part 16)

2010-06-23T18:55:00.000-07:00

"I've been meaning to talk to you," he mutters, his hand scratching the back of his neck. He was shy and nervous and I couldn't help but smirk at his behaviour.

I stare at his shiny coloured contacts and he stares into my eyes and we smile at each other. This wave of relief washes over me and I feel like all has been forgiven. I think that's the best part of being best friends. Even if we dont' talk for weeks, it only takes an honest look to get back into that feeling again.

"Never again Gavin, I'll never hurt you again," I reply, punching his shoulder playfully, "At least, emotionally that is."

"Yeah, like that hurt me," he retorts. We start talking like we used to and everything felt great again. I suddenly remember how things used to be and I regret having changed it. I'm not sure if he still likes me in that sense, but I honestly hope nothing is going to change the way we are now.

'Cause honestly, a friendship like ours is too perfect.

As we start walking away, me leading him to his class before the lunch period ends, I turn my head back to see no one there anymore, and a slight empty feeling in the back of my heart.

--

Fourth period passes by in a flash and I'm here standing in front of Arina's locker, waiting for her, hoping that she's willing to talk to me about what happened. Irene and Gavin pass by, giving me a thumbs up and a look of concern, but I smile back and reassure them that I'll be okay.

At least I hope so.

So here's my game plan. You see, me and the family are going to the cottage for the March Break and I decided that I wanted to invite Arina. I think we're close enough that this wouldn't seem weird at all, and I'm sure she could use the escape.

I feel like there are ants down my pants as I wriggle around nervously for her to arrive. I feel like it's been forever when it's only been a minute. I hope she's not having a fight with Callie, the last thing my heart needs is seeing her run here crying.

I don't know what it was exactly, but this rope grabbed my heart, tugged it and pulled it in when I saw two figures in the distance comiing towards the locker. She was holding hands with her as if nothing was wrong. And I felt confused. And I felt hurt. And I just felt like everything basically...sucked for a lack of a better word.

I ran away.

she must be gone

2010-06-21T12:09:00.000-07:00

I don't know, I think it was the math exam and lack of sleep but I just had a really scary nightmare...

So I'm alone in the classroom at FX and I'm writing down names next to a book for things like "best smile", "loudest laugh", "looks best in a swimsuit", when I look out the window to see people walking. It's a little eery, they're taking their time as they take their steps.

Then I decide to go to bed, and I find out that this is my room and that my parents are living in some other part of the school, and there is no sign of my sisters.

The next morning I'm dressed and watching outside the window and then these people walk into my room. These girls and boys with empty faces and scars on their wrists and they all sit at a round table with an adult. Then they approach me and I feel the scars on my wrists get bigger.

I stare at the as they look at me, it's a friendly man with average looking hair and glasses. He starts up a casual conversation with me. He then asks me why I'm here. I shrug 'cause I'm not really sure, then he grabs my arms and stares at my scars, but touches my face cause it's still there. I tear away from him and pull out a receipt from my pocket and hand it to him.

It read, "Bernadine Lazaro, recovery complete!" and he looked at my scars again and was confused, telling me that it wasn't complete and that I should come back. I didn't know what to do so I left the room running.

I was scared, I had no idea what was going on. People started chasing after me telling me that I "wasn't done yet" and that I was dangerous. I froze and I decided to stare at my scars and everything around me stopped. I then decided that I'd run away.

I ran out of the school, and the sunny day I saw from my window disappeared and I was left alone. It was raining and the sun was going down and everything wasn't familiar anymore. I just kept on walking and walking, wondering how I was going to survive. So many adults knew about my condition, they were probably going to tell my parents, I didn't know what to do. The people in the school acted like it was normal.

While I'm still walking I manage to find a box of AAA batteries and a 20. I managed to have my mp3 and instead of thinking of the money as something to live on, I recall the tea party I was supposed to host on friday. Then I think of my friends and I start to cry.

I'm inside now and I'm holding the door for people. The amount of people pouring in seems endless, but I don't mind. Some say thank you, some look at me funny, and then suddenly I'm back in the school.

Everyone is out to get me, but I don't want them to catch me. I suddenly have lazers coming out of my fingers and I try my best to leave the place, making sure I don't hurt anyone. When I'm out I see a couple of friends and they're talking to me. The only one I really remember right now is Kay. She's worried, but I told her I'll see all of them soon, and that I wouldn't be gone forever.

I left again and it stopped raining. The sky colours were beautiful and the sun was just setting. It's cold, but I'm just concerned about where to sleep for the night.

I'm at an airport and I suddenly have the need for the 20. I buy something to eat and a train station appears. The PIP kids from my school are getting on the train and they're talking about the people in my school, "she's such a slut", "she's so stupid", "he's so gay", and I'm really confused and mad and I was about to get on the train too but it left.

I'm staring out this huge glass window again, then staring at my arms as they start to ache. I was so confused and hurt and sad and lonely and I just wanted to get out of wherever I was.

Then, I'm going onto an airplane and I look inside to see nothing, and my face started fading away, then I trip and fall onto a road...

The road forms iinto this really long road and I'm alone. I'm scared and my heart is aching and my head is hurting and I just can't take it anymore. I then happen to trip on something and this girl helps me up. I remember, her face looked really familiar, then Caroline came from behind her, but she doesn't seem to know me.

"You should watch your step when you're walking, or else you'll fall behind. You need to be aware of what you're doing, for your sake and the sake of others. You must be in control of what you're doing, and always watch out of the events you're effecting."

and I'm silent cause I'm not sure how I'm supposed to react. So I decide to walk with them. Caroline tells me that her sister tells some random shit to everyone she meets on the road.

"what? it's not like I'll ever see you again, and you should listen to me!" I nod and smile and continue to walk.

The the school comes in view again and it's dark, but I can tell from my spot that theres a torch in the corner of the room where I was living at the beginning, and it lit on fire.

"Ah, she must be gone."

"Who?" I ask.

"That girl."

And I found myself back in the room, under the torch, writing down names in a giant book again. And I start to cry.

....and then I woke up.

It felt so real and scary guys....Never again please? I seriously think that math is bad for me now ... T_T

2010-06-20T21:20:00.001-07:00

i'm glad to know you're alive

push

2010-06-19T07:42:00.000-07:00

okay guys! so it's that time of the year again; yeahup! the painful exams D: -DUN DUN DUN-

I just feel the gloom looming around >_< Bah! I hate exams, I panic, and I study and I work hard, then I blow everything up, AND BAM! THERE GOES 30% OF MY FINAL MARK.

Gosh, I have no idea what I would've done if I farking stayed in IB -_-; I'd probably be dead by now, that's what!

:( can't the Tea Party just come and we can get this over with? :(

Bio was BAAAAAD. like, I breezed through the multiple choice (although that's always questionnable >_<) I did fine on some of the short answers, THEN ON THE REST OF THE SHORT ANSWER, I WAS LIKE, WTF IS THIS SHIZNESS? He never taught us some of it, and some of it wasn't on the review either O_O THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T MARK THE EXAM SHITSOOFKA! GEEZ. Then with panicking over time + unsure exactly how to say what I wanted to say, I basically failed the essay part. I bet even my grammar went bad there -_-;

Monday is MATH! I'm spending my whole day reviewing :) I'm gonna be done by 5 hopefully...relax, do some house work then get back into it after dinner. then do my letters/formula sheet and then practice exam before bed :D

Sunday we're going out for father's daaay. Out for lunch probably, and breakfast probably, and potentially dinner too. Then church sometime...then out to buy my Dad some shoes, then we're gonna watch Toy Story 3 <3 THEN. I'ma do another practice exam and a couple more formula sheet practices then hopefully sleep by 12, wake up at 5 the next morning to go over everything again :)

I hope I'll be prepared enough~! I'll update you again sometime in the next week <3

&hearts

2010-06-17T19:05:00.000-07:00

meet Ube and Pecan~ hehe (L)

today was absolutely wonderful :)

too fucking easy

2010-06-15T14:28:00.001-07:00

Okay. Skin and Bones project!

Do a proper cover, ask Kelly for guitar instrumental, do harmonies and backings...

Then do a video :)

this is something I just posted on some Lion King video with S&B as the themesong:

Yeah, we all know that this song is about Josh and his bulimia, but it could, at least in my opinion, fit for other things. I think the song could work well with relationships, with other disorders like anorexia, depression, fighting with yourself, drug abuse, cutting, etc.

So, for the video, to prove this, me and some friends will draw pictures relating to those things, and I'll make a slideshow/video for it :D

<3

making a difference

2010-06-14T13:25:00.000-07:00

While getting my closer friends and my new friends to sign my yearbook, then reading it afterward, I figure something amazing...and I don't mean to toot my own horn or whatever, but...

I'm pretty sure that my mission to make a difference is working out well.

I know sometimes you guys say I think about other people way more than I should, but it makes me happy so it's all the same.

I love this feeling, and I love making people smile.

And I'll continue doing it! :D

Day 9 btw. <3 Let's go for 20!

Week 3: Road to Recovery

2010-06-13T14:14:00.000-07:00

No slip ups this time :) 8 days without having done anything and I'm pretty damn happy about it. The camera isnt here so no pics, but they're practically gone. ish. meh lmao

So, in memory of week three I'm covering the three songs that I felt were my "theme songs" of this...sickness.

Skin and Bones
Alibis
Lover Dearest

all by Marianas Trench.

ask me for a copy of them :)

Road to Recovery: Week 2

2010-06-06T13:14:00.000-07:00

So there are a couple of new ones, since I failed after 5 days, but the older ones are disappearing and the newer ones aren't too deep so they should go away. My goal is to make this permanent. I need to stop.

On friday...it hurt to hug people. And that just ain't right.

I...thought about things a lot on my own. After seeing Kim and Tash yesterday, I wandered around sq.1 by myself for about an hour and a bit, then spent about an hour getting home. I didn't have my music so I got to do a looooot more thinking than usual. Then when I got home I looked over a lot of things and I remember that...

one of my dreams is to become a superhero. Maybe not like superman, or the spider-ninja I've always wanted to become, but an everyday, extraordinary hero whose powers include rainbows and sunshine, even if it came out of my ass.

I've been told so many times by wonderful people that I have a big heart and a contagious, radiating happiness. And I'd like to stand true to those words.

I've been the emo kid in the corner, and that creepy smiley kid you see everywhere and I'd love stay as the latter.

Week 2 here I come! the countdown of days clean is in my username if any of you are interested.

Thanks for standing by me :)

why

2010-06-03T21:59:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to do anymore. All I want to do is sleep.

I don't want to leave the house.

I don't want to go to the house.

I don't feel at home anywhere right now.

And I feel like I'm scattered and I need to put myself back together again.

2010-06-03T21:26:00.001-07:00

I feel so broken.

2010-06-03T21:00:00.001-07:00

I am so disgusted by myself

it's like an inside joke that i'll never get

2010-06-02T15:20:00.001-07:00

I missed you, a lot.

And I'm glad I went to see you today, even though it was only for like 5 minutes, maybe even less. Although not too much was done, established, or what not, I somehow felt better. It might've also been the cookie.

I know it's weird not seeing me smile sometimes, but know that I'm not completely in the dumps. I'm doing my best to keep my chin up, and you, my friends, are doing a great job making me feel better too.

And I haven't done anything in 5 days. So, we should all be happy, right?

I'll smile for now :)

2010-05-30T18:22:00.000-07:00

time to turn the pages for real

Recovery - Week 1

2010-05-29T19:06:00.000-07:00

So I decided to challenge myself to lessen these scars and see that they go away. Right now, they're not too bad, but I'm going to take a picture and update this once a week until it's all gone and see how things go.

This is the second day I haven't done anything :)

Camera isn't the best quality, and the scars aren't too deep see?

Oh and there's one on my leg.

scars

2010-05-28T22:43:00.000-07:00

I am sooo fucking sick. This does not fair well at all. Dentist later today and Wonderland on Sunday! all i've been doing today is sleeping, so when do I have time to do my jhomework?

it's 1:44 right now and I'm just updating my old mp3 SINCE MY IPOD DOESN'T WORK ANYMORE. Gosh, it's so upsettiing ;_; it's so hard to operate without music, and I really just want my ipod.

anyway, Bianca made me sad when she confronted me about my arms. She's right though, what do I do now?

I was shaking earlier, I was staring at the scars, touching them, wanting new ones. It's so bad...

Mary stopped me in the hallway, grabbed my arm and asked me about them.

I really hope it won't happen again for a while...I'll be going out a lot this weekend so I need to be careful.

goodnight all, I really should just sleep now.

<3

hmm

2010-05-27T15:31:00.000-07:00

Hah. Apparently some of my friends have never seen me upset.

Has this year really been that good? I think so.

daddy...

2010-05-27T15:28:00.000-07:00

so Daddy comes up to me, "Were you attacked by cats?"

I hesitate, smile, and say, "Daddy, I have a rabbit, not a cat."

I'm glad he's coming to see me more in the morning. It's probably because he knows where I am now. :) Love you Daddy, sorry.

bargle?

2010-05-26T12:44:00.000-07:00

Okay so the day did not end well. I felt so tired in english class. We had a work period so I TRIED to work, I really did. Then I tried to sleep cause I know I'll miss the chance tonight.

Ugh, me being like this is not fair. I mean, seriously, what is up with this horrible timing?

I need to focus on work! D:

I ended up crying at the end of the day ;_; I hate it when it stains my glasses. Or when people are talking to me. It just makes it worse. It felt like a slow motion movie. I was walking...walking and almost every 5 seconds I'd hear "Bern are you okay?"

anyway

Christen enjoyed the balloons I put in her locker. :) it made my day.

and um, staying up for french and english. yhey

lies

2010-05-25T16:16:00.000-07:00

I hate having to lie so much. Poor Chase, getting the blame for these things. Sorry, I don't mean to lie. I just rather have you not worry about me over something I can't even explain. But yeah, some of you do know what they are. But hopefully, they'll go away with time. They sting, just a little. I kind of really like it and want more. Give me some time to heal please. i don't know if I'm ready to talk about it so I'll probably lie. Which, sadly, I'm very bad at. But most people forget about the other thing. I'm only stopping now because I don't want it to be too obvious. But God, I hate myself for doing this. Sorry.

And I just spend my time alone staring at them, running my fingers over them wondering why there aren't any more.

I almost cried today when I told a certain someone what it actually was.

And I'm quick to say it's just Chase and not have it questioned.

I want to tell some other people about it. I want help. I want someone to talk to. But, it's so pointless because I won't know what to say except, "I tried. I'm sorry."

And I'm scared of talking to Sunshine about it, because she'll probably tell on me, and from then on I wouldn't know what to do.

I'm glad only a few people asked about it. But it hurt that I had to lie to some of my children. Sorry, I don't want you to worry about me.

I'm fine. really. kind of. Idunno.

I'll still smile at school, because cheer is the best medicine I can bring upon others then myself.

:)

2010-05-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

>_< trip home was scary, but Pammy's house is general was great :) lots of fun and her family is so nice!!

I should be doing homework, but instead I'm going to sleep. nighty night!

2010-05-24T09:34:00.001-07:00

once again I'm sorry

wowowee

2010-05-24T09:32:00.001-07:00

you know, I'm actually more bitter than most people think.

Sometimes I really do wonder if I'm as happy as most people think I am, or as happy as I think I am. Or maybe I'm just too moody, like usual.

-_- I need help guys. I need Theo. I need someone to talk to.

'Cause I just can't figure this shit out on my own.

romaromama

2010-05-23T08:41:00.001-07:00

kay so the rest of my weekend is packed. which is good so that the Gaga episode comes faster. I am SOOOOO FUCKING EXCITED FOR IT!! :D Seriously, Santana is so hot. And Rachel's attempt at Gaga's kermit outfit is so amazingly fail (L)

btw, the other day at relay, Lexi and I sung Bad Romance and I forgot the lyrics O_O I couldn't believe it!! I felt so bad. but then I found out that one of my mentees was a Gaga freak so it made everything alright :D

tomorrow is Pammy's house, hopefully, to film our CPT. heard of Le Petit Nichlas? it's sooooo precious and hilarious!! (L) I sure love french :) I really do wish that I was good at it. Oh and remind me to fill out my mentor and chaplaincy crew forms for next year xD

Did I tell you how when I got my mentor form, Migliaccio was like, "Your name came up recently, how?" and then I gave him some guesses then he smiles real wide at me and says, "Oh, Ms Sheldrake mentioned you! She said you were a really good person." that totally made my week. :)

I try my best to be myself and hopefully that'll always be enough :)

:D

2010-05-23T08:23:00.000-07:00

so we're having some sort of a fierce reunion today. I am not loooking forward to seeing those people again, but I can't wait for JUR

scream

2010-05-23T08:20:00.000-07:00

JUR later! I'm so excited :) we'll go out for a walk probably if she comes early enough XD! although I kind of dislike all the gnats in the park -_- they're so annoying and I feel like I'm about to eat them sometimes. and sometimes I'm pretty sure I swallowed one D:

DAMN GA-NATS!!

ask me NAO

2010-05-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

hey, it's been a while! go ask me a question!! :D

http://www.formspring.me/BernyBop

feeling so easy

2010-05-23T08:17:00.000-07:00

thanks for trying :)

SPAMSPAMSPAMSPAM

it's harder to admit

2010-05-23T07:51:00.001-07:00

ahahaha...listening to Marianas Trench and singing alng is very nice for purging.

GOSH, I LOVE SKIN AND BONES! SUCH A GOOD SONG!!

btw, did yu see that google was pacman the other day? i loved it :)

going to church in about an hour. stalking my fandoms on lj and writing a new chapter :)

skin and bones

2010-05-23T07:37:00.000-07:00

Am I allowed to just apologize and make it go away? 'cause I know you're not watching me anymore, and I took advantage of that. I don't know what it is but I felt like I had to do it. And I don't even think I regret it because it made me feel better.

She just had to ruin things for me yesterday.

Maybe I'm just overreacting but I've been trying so hard.

I'm sorry Jess. I promise it'll go away and you won't have to see this.

Fuck. I guess I didn't grow up at all.

But I need to tell someone. But sorry it's not going to be you.

not tagging this, I hope it gets lost.

Relay For Life '10

2010-05-22T17:04:00.000-07:00

RELAY FOR LIFE 2010

Hey guys! Yesterday was most epic, and it must’ve been amazing cause I’m so fucking sore. Foot problems plus wearing converse all day was not a good idea -_-;... So it started with me coming to school early to practice Tearin’ Up My Heart with Izzy and such. Funny how when actually performed it wasn’t official or anything so it was kinda pointless, but the practices were fun :P

When the bell rang I stayed in the cafeteria because I was a volunteer so I helped out :D I was really excited for this day  I hung around, moved some stuff around, sat, talked to people and teachers, it was really kinda slow. But as the time eventually came, I was prepared!! I handed everyone their pokeballs and we all put it around our waste, or in Amanda’s case, around her neck.

The day was really nice! It was cloudy and sunny so no one was dying. I brought 5 water bottles thinking it would be too much but it turned out that it wasn’t enough xD I gave two away and people still wanted water. Hah, you’d think people would be more prepared. Is okay. We took a group photo! I posted it up on facebook and here too  I took SOOO many photos! Did you know they were my favourite thing? Seriously, I love photos. I really want my own camera.

Because I was a volunteer, I did a game so I didn’t get to lead my team in anything. But my station was pretty fun  The BLINDFOLD GAME! Sounds intense, doesn’t it? I had two people helping me out....but they kinda left, and when they did help me they kind of didn’t do anything or listen to me. I was concerned about losing my voice, so I kinda stopped the screaming, and people kind of stopped coming. My only concern about Relay was how unorganised it was >_> but it’s a huge event so I won’t blame them. And some people don’t really listen either. Anyway, I loved it when people crashed into chairs, or when people tried to cheat, or when people would be looking everywhere and couldn’t find the cup to put the ball in. Some people were really friendly to me :D Some were kind of rude. I noticed that there were a lot of niners there. It was cute hahaha. It got kind of tiring after a while though to be honest. Then Tahira and Amanda came over to keep me company. They did some trust games then made me do the game. Then I made them try to find it on their own. That was pretty funny! Hahaha.

After we finally presented our cheer. It failed when we presented it, but when we recorded it after it was pretty hilarious. It’s on my facebook if you’re interested :D It’s like 16 seconds long but it really made me laugh. I did put a lot of time into cutting our the letters :P Oh, btw, Kelly fails at the cheer hahahahaha. The order of the rest of the stuff is kind of blurry to me xD I just remember running around, looking for people, hanging out, relaxing, find people and practiced, take pictures then line up for food. Which took a LONG time. Oh well. Performances started and they were pretty cool. Oh and I got to hang out with some of my favourite people *_* (L) Not as long as I wanted but it was enough. I hung out with A LOT of people actually, it’s really nice having a lot of friends. I was never really bored even when I said I was bored.

I hung out the most with Lexi and/or Raymond and/or Kay :) I love all of them to bits. Haha around 7-8 til about the closing ceremony we camera whored, played with pokemon, danced around, skipped/ran around the track, walked, talked and such. It was really relaxing and I felt so many of my worries go away. I also went inside to do karaoke or do DDR. Ms Ray is such a kid sometimes I completely forget her age. Some of my friends didn’t believe she was 31! XD Haha, I was showing her some of my pokemon porn pictures and she was like “BERN! Don’t show those to me! I sometimes forget you’re a teenager cause you’re so mature.” I think it’s kind of funny that she thinks I’m mature, but it’s good to know she forgets that we have an age border  We have a really nice set of photos, but I couldn’t put them on facebook. Maybe I’ll put them here sometime.

Lexi and I performed Cancer and Keep Holding On  I heard it was good, and I think it went well. If only people were really listening and it wasn’t so windy and hard to hear. But I still enjoyed it completely :D !!

When the closing ceremony started I kinda started babbling to myself and everyone around me and felt kinda depressed. I started thinking a lot and I prayed to a couple of the luminaries and to God in general. And I saw Sridaya crying and she asked for a ‘Berny hug’ so I supplied. Then we saw Tash and we kept her company around her luminary. I don’t mean it to sound bad or weird or anything, but that moment for me, was really touching and was probably one of my favourite moments. Hey you, I know you’re reading this, and I’m glad that I was there to hold you. (L)

After we walked around a bit more, me and Kay that is. And we saw Lexi at her luminary and sat with her. She was crying too, and my feelings of crying increased and I put my head down and prayed and thought and started crying eventually. Ceara came and offered us tissues. Ray came and he was crying too. We sat there together for like 20 minutes then got up to help put away the luminaries. After Kay stayed with me til my parents came. She’s such a sweet heart. I really needed someone there :)

All in all, it was amazing. I’m probably leaving some details out but I don’t need to tell ya’ll everything. It was a truly magical event and I’m so glad I participated and got all the people who didn’t originally want to, to go participate :) I will always remember this day, I will always remember what we walked for, I will always try to help out that society whenever I can, and I will always keep Team Pokemon Masters close to my heart.

It feels kind of weird. I really miss yesterday. But it’s done and over with and I’m glad it happened.
Love, Bern

this time maybe I'll be bulletproof

2010-05-16T15:15:00.001-07:00

MISSION FAILED. cause no one would go with me -_-; oh well, wearing the costume and FREE HUGS sign on friday anyway :)

I don't know if it's just me, but I think that I'm kind of getting a bit more...bitter. Or maybe just snappier? Anywho, I don't like it D:

this week will be packed with CPTs, group assignments, tests and practice for Relay, then Relay on friday. Hopefully everyone raised as much as they could for this great cause.

:D I'll talk to ya'll later <3

off to church soon!

HUGS FOR LIFE

2010-05-14T14:46:00.000-07:00

Ehem. Tomorrow. If I get someone to come with, the mission will be epic.

Our school is running Relay for Life and each person involved must try to get 100 dollars. Now I'm guaranteed 90 right now so I'm not too worrie dbut I want to make sure my team mates have theirs.

NOW. FOR THE MISSION.

If I am able to find someone to come with, I'm going out tomorrow for about 3 hours, along the Applewood Trail in my penguin costume, and carry a "HUGS FOR CANCER: a hug for your donation" sign. And collect money and give away hugs :) Bring the money on monday and split it amongst my group members who don't have enough money. :D Full proof right? :D bahahaha.

it'll be most interesting :)

wish me luck! I'm hoping to film some of it and put it on youtube to spread the awareness and love.

:)

TEA IS SO COOL

2010-05-12T06:18:00.000-07:00

Dear journal,

Ashley is telling me interesting facts about papaya. We got a bio assignment on plants. I think plants are like...really really interesting, despite how many definitions and shit we need to memorize. It's really hard to know everything, but it's still extremely interesting.

I'm partnered up with Alexis and we're in th library right now researching about tea. tea is soooo interesting, and so is Papaya LOL. Hmm, I hope I have time to go to the library soontimes. It's so hard >_< So much work around this time of year -_-;

So when I get home I am soooo going to drink tea.

go here: http://www.mightyleaf.ca/en/tea/ So cool!

I think we;re leaving now o.o...BYE! <3

the boy is mine

2010-05-11T20:11:00.001-07:00

So I've been seeing Sunshine as opposed to the twins since they're busy with exams and stuff. and wow. WOW. I really miss hanging out with her (L)

It feels really good to be so friendly with her :) and I will be honest I think I still blush when she compliments me or when she smiles like that~ :D

oh and...

I am currently obsessed with Naya Rivera ~ :D SOOO PRETTY. SO COOL. SHE CAN DANCE. SHE CAN SING :D!! hoorah xD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0lroevWmZg

GO LISTEN!

it ends in tears

2010-05-09T22:23:00.000-07:00

you know what I realize as I go through these tumblr pages of brittana? people are kind of more into the brittana scene in home than the whole Kurt/Finn bznis.

that scene made me cry because Kurt cried at the end, and he was JUST SO GOOD when he sung the song. And I actually kinda really liked how Finn sounded during his part. It felt so raw <3 the whole Kurt plot made me sad that episode and I have a feeling that the next episode will be amazing...lol kurt/brittany AND OMG, I JUST FOUND OUT BAOUT THE MERCEDES/SANTANA DUET. OHMYGOD.OMG.<3

ANYWAY

I'm really looking forward to the next Glee episode. and I honestly think that I'm getting too obsessed. Oh woe is me. forgive me family members!!! <3

and gosh I should be sleeping. I'm gonna die tomorrow, aren't I? -_-;

i'm in love~

2010-05-09T21:53:00.000-07:00

LOL YES~

found it on tumblr instead of sleeping :)

right now

2010-05-09T18:53:00.000-07:00

^ SOOO OBSESSED WITH BRITTANA NAYA/HEMO <3

--

can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now... - Airplanes - B.O.B ft. Haley Williams

Yo! It's been a while eh?

I'm on livejournal now, working on a Brittana fics while I'm in the mood :D I'm really obsessed with the pairing.

So I love how teahcers plot to put all tests in the same week XD There should be a test/major assignment in every subject this week so wish me luck.

I'm reading Lord of the Flies for english. Tis a nice book so far; I'm on chapter 3 xD Also going to read Animal Farm again for english as well. Tomorrow after school I'm going to fabricland and tuesday after school I'm going to the library. sounds like a plan, right? :D

I've been sleeping in the living room for the past week. It's actually pretty nice since I get to hang out with my sister. The couch isn't that bad of a place to sleep at :D

Oh and I won the poster contest! I don't know if I posted the picture of the poster here >_< but I did edit it since the last time I took a photo. I got this acrylic set, it's so pro!!! I opened it and gawked at it for a while then put it away :P I had so many ideas of what to paint but I didn't end up painting anything.

Logs aren't too much of a problem, I just need more practice. and plants are really interesting! Hopefully me understanding and being so interested will help me get a 90 on this next test.

Also! shit, I forgot to ask for updates on relay...I'll do that now. Turns out the car wash and bake sale will be on the same weekend.

Also, things seem to be looking up with my parents and JUR's parents...hopefully I'll get to see them again soon. I really actually miss Tita Cherry.

Got a season pass as well :) maybe I can get over my stupid fear of heights o_o...

so it's mother's day. I got a present from one of my kids on friday <3 and ate it all on the same day :P I made mommalie something and wrote Sunshine a card :) hopefully they both like their respected gifts.

so um, I'll see you guys around! Just because I'm posting on livejournal does not mean I'm abandoning you people! this is the important blog, the lj is just for fangirling <3

later!

turn around bright eyes

2010-05-04T19:17:00.000-07:00

I apologize for my absense

I'd just like to say that I love that Glee came back <3
I've been feeling ugh when I get home so I just watch the episodes again...I swear I've watched the madonna episode over 10 times.

My academics are making me upset. I've been working harder lately too and haven't had much time to do things. I've kinda been not sleeping.

Things slowed down recently so I've been napping more and panicking about Relay and reading fic to make myself feel better.

Friends are great too.

But IB friends are lacking. Exams. I wish them a lot of luck.

I also make amazing mashed potatoes. :)

and I'm going to start a new project for sewing. for one of my kids.

Um, and sometimes when I come home from school I feel completely depressed? Lonely? I don't know. I think it's just stress.

After school today I walked with Mary, Christen and Christina home and went to Christina's <3 I came over and played with her turtles for like 30 minutes. THEY WERE SO CUTE AND I FELT SO HAPPY. And Christina was really great about it too haha. I love her :D

Cheering up on Brittana fics. Minor character potential canon love is love <3

and Glee made me go "eh" today...

oh well.

working hard.

I hope you are all too :D

forget regret

2010-04-26T21:09:00.001-07:00

You know I haven't really been updating you guys in detail.

I bet some of you have some questions eh?

Umm~

Well I've been killing myself over my report card. Shock of my life. I've been hard core working with some occasional facebook and tweeting. So yeah, no msn xD A lot of you have been asking me on facebook about that. And I'm sorry, but one, if I'm caught on msn I get murdered, two, msn is fairly distracting. I guess. I dunno, I survived with it; but I'm surviving without it.

I really really really like meeting new people. I'm sure I've said this before.

I'm getting closer and closer to some of my new academic friends and I've been having a lot of fun cause of it.

Mornings:

Because certain people are busy, I don't go visit Sunshine that much anymore. She always comes late anyway. I'll just see her apart from that and have some cute memories that I spazz about. Instead, I hang out with my other friends lol. Mondays belong to Kelly N. <3 :D Other days its mostly with Christina or Doris or maybe Esther or Amanda or Jess. And mornings have honestly become a bit more fun than waiting for like 10 minutes outside a door listening to people hate on life o_o...

Bio:

I'm starting to dislike Szecowka. Probably because of the way he teaches and I'm starting to get tired of the whole old person thing. XD It was cute for a while but now I think I'm just pissed that I'm doing so bad. But his little stories and moments in class can be funny..or maybe I'm just slowly going crazy from lack of sleep and trying to stay up LOL

Math:

I missed like two lessons this unit, so I'm lucky it's a bit on the lenient side. Virtue is funny...he really loves the graphing calculator. Not much has changed. I still really enjoy talking to Bianca. Kay and Izzy are really listening and working hard. :D Everyone else in that class is funny and great. Math is still meh. An ugly but straightforward subject and my second highest mark xD

Lunch:

I LOVE DJ-ING. It's so much fun. Despite how much Christina and I may "fight" or whether she really likes me or not, I love her to bits :D Lunch is so much fun. But once again, I have the problem of befriending too many people...So hard to decide who to hang out with :( and I miss a lot of people.

French:

Moved seats again >_< I miss the front! and Pamela and Christina and Yzza. Although i don't mind Agustin. He's really sweet and nice and funny xD That class is always jokes and I have a really good time in that class. 20 questions!! I really love french guys. I really do. I really wish I was super good at it. I have to work really hard, but it'll be worth it. I love the subject.

English:

Raymond, Kay, Rovelle and Marl = <3 OH ROVELLE CAME BACK! :D I missed her. Marl keeps on telling corny flip jokes...and this week is supposed to be really busy. I've become really comfortable with speaking outloud in that class. And I like my classmates. Things are great.

Things are really great.

Going to New York over the weekend. Joy!

I'm sorry

2010-04-26T19:18:00.000-07:00

Hey there!

I'm working on bio and english :)

Just type type typing away.

I'd like to comment that for the whole grade 11 year, I've changed and am still changing. And by a lot. Sometimes I feel like I'm unable to keep up with myself.

Makes me wonder what thing's would've happened if I never quit IB. If I never joined IB. If I never came to FX. If I never joined the clubs I joined. If I never met the people I met.

Of course, I'd be...most probably, completely different.

But then again, it's so easy to go back into those stages of who I was before. Why? Probably because it's who I am and who I always will be. I guess it's like what I've been learning in bio xD Environment affects your expression.

I'd lie and listen to MT and feel kinda really emotional and pumped up and really into singing.

I'd lie and listen to Lady Gaga and just be so happy and energized.

I'd lie and listen to The Weepies and feel so sober and relaxed.

I'd look at my old art and feel a little frustrated. Then start on something new and feel like I'm in a completely different zone. Have you ever seen me concentrated? It's kind of funny...apparently.

If my old self saw me today, I bet she'd be scared of me haha.

Sometimes I'm scared of myself.

I don't know.

Maybe it's the stress plus mildly depressing music that's getting me like this.

o_o

That wrist dream really got to me ;_;
I kind of shiver when i see sharp objects.
'Cause deep down I know, it's way too easy to go back into that place.

Especially when it's so easy to feel lonely. You try to just go to alone, but it's really hard to avoid lonely. And I'm so close to it sometimes.

"So leave me, oh I'm not sick of you yet, is that as good as it gets? I'll just hide it, oh I could slip into you, it's so easy to come back into you."
-Lover Dearest

Lately that song has been making me cry.
I wonder why?

Oh and don't worry about me guys. I'm not going all emotional Bern on you.
Just thinking about stuff.
Maybe I'm not as strong as I make myself seem to be when i'm at school.
And maybe I am shaken when someone questions me.
But I'm trying not to.
Hah. School.

I have too much drama there sometimes.

oh my agony

2010-04-25T11:08:00.000-07:00

studying.

and planning for relay XD

hopefully singing Keep Holding On from Glee and Cancer by My Chemical Romance

<3

direct pain effectively

2010-04-25T09:01:00.000-07:00

I had the weirdest dream last night.
It was cute and sweet then it turned into something horrible.

I was ice skating with some of my "kids". And I was having a lot of fun.
Then the ice rink started sinking so we went to a nearby boat.
They said they had to clean it.
o_o
and then there were these elephants confessing their love to each other
and I was like awwww, how cute!
and then my skates fell into the water
and I reached in to get them
but someone else got it, don't remember who
and they cut my wrist
and it hurt a lot
and blood was like spurting out of it
I was freaking out, I wondered if I was going to die
and then my friend called 911
and then i showed it to a nearby adult and they just rolled their eyes and left
and then I woke up
and my wrist was still hurting
and I stared at it and remembered the feeling in the dream and back then
and then I started crying.

I lied in bed, crying for about 10 minutes and staring at my wrist that hurt as much as it did in the dream. and back then.
My heart was racing.

...

I wonder what that means?

geez.

2010-04-24T14:17:00.001-07:00

if two more people ask me about my sexual orientation, I'm going to do a rant on it.

:)

you're my darling angel

2010-04-22T22:21:00.000-07:00

Today I watched Macbeth.

I love that play!! 5x better than Romeo and Juliet :D It was so amazingly done. 9 actors and 30 characters and they did all the sound affects andandandand WOW! No comments on the women except, good acting and soooo cool how they did the like..choirish things. I thought Malcolm and Macduff were <3 ESPECIALLY Macduff. He kinda sounded like Gerard Butler. It was so <3

wandering around was fun :D and I took some pictures. Time with new friends and old = <3 and GOSH, UofT is gorgeous. I can't wait til I go to whatever Uni I end up in.

<3

I'm up, why? Well I fell asleep at like 11 and woke up at 12 30 to massage ate and now I'm doing my homework :) Just gonna do some french then go to bed.

I miss doing this. I really wish I had my own laptop so I didn't have to sneak around all the time....

night everyone <3

this place is a ...hole?

2010-04-21T21:08:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've cried at a song so much...especially a song that I've already heard a million times.

Gosh.

Anyway, I'm making a list of quotes/lyrics to put on my dogtag and my new keychain.

Help me decide pleaaaaase :) I wanna decide by next wednesday for sures.

I'm sleepy but I'm not sleepy xD Should I do homework? I have a trip tomorrow so I have a good excuse to ~not do it xD

well, goodnight everyone :)

don't just sit there

2010-04-21T15:26:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! It sure has been a while hasn't?

Too bad, I'm always having the best days. I feel like almost everytime I write in here I'm writing a story~ >D

It's so nice outside guys, I feel like I shouldn't be in here doing my homework or avoiding doing my homework or...whatever. xD But even if I had nothing to do, I'd still be too lazy to go out unless it's with someone. Haha, that's how I usually work.

Unless I really needed to think.

Which I kinda do.

Honestly, my mind has been wandering around everywhere. it's kinda scary, but really exciting at the same time.

I've been making new friends, becoming better friends with older ones, participating in events and so on and so forth.

Oh dear.

I gotta go.

bye!

I'm always on my knees for you

2010-04-21T15:17:00.000-07:00

It only hurt a bit
I still feel like shit

'cause you always win

- Skin and Bones - Marianas Trench

louder than silence

2010-04-08T09:22:00.000-07:00

Hey guys ! It's been a while~

Today is THE day. THEEEEE DAAAAYYY!!! One of the most exciting and special days of my Grade 11 career~ Haha, only because I get to sing one of my most favouritest songs in the whole world. LOVE. IN. THE. ICE!

But. I'm worried. No, I'm not EXACTLY nervous. I'm probably going to be less nervous now that not a lot of people are coming this year :'). But still, even though this is my fourth time doing this, I'm still somewhat nervous xD

My cough has kind of died down :) I should be fine for the performance...but Esther is still feeling sick :( Poor thing; it's her debut! And she's siiiick D:

I'm kind of disregarding what Anthony said yesterday. I WILL HAVE PASSION ON THAT STAGE. This song is so amazing epic and emotional. YOU NEED TO LOOK PASSIONATE OR ELSE YOU'RE NOT DOING THE SONG JUSTICE!! I will give it my all :) After lunch I'm going to do some homework and then practice. I think i'm going to bus there? I'm going to have to leave at like 3 15 then.

Ohhhhh I am soooooooooooo fuuuuuckiiiiiiing exciiiiiiteeeeeeedddd!! <3

I can't wait to see everyone else go :) and then I can't wait to, hopefully, kill it out there! I'm bringing my sister's camera so hopefully someone will record for me, and then i can share it with all of you :)

can you feel the excitement?
I can :)
<3

do you have the time?

2010-04-04T22:54:00.000-07:00

I love my friends.

I really do.

MANGA FEELS SO GOOD.

I can't wait til Tuesday :)

I need glitteerrrrr

<3

going to bed soon
hopefully
it's 1 55 AM xD

Take This to Heart (Part 15)

2010-04-03T12:04:00.000-07:00

It felt good to laugh like that again.

"I'm~ going to go," Irene states, giggling into her sleeve. I look at my watch and see that we still have 15 minutes left of lunch.

"Why are you going?" I ask, wondering if Irene was hiding something from me. But when I turn to face the direction she was looking at, I see Arina running towards us.

Oh.

"Later Le!" she yells, giving me a quick wink.

Okay, so I had to become Lea again. That's easy, right? I just need to sort out my feelings, and sit down and think and become normal again.

But I need him to be there in order to do it. I think I'll go an talk to him anyways.

Arina has reached the benches by now and I stand up to go and meet her. I smile at her panting figure and she puts her hands on her thighs and tries to catch her breath.

"Oh gosh, I am so out of shape," she exclaims, quite loudly as well.

"What are you doing here?" I wonder, and I curse myself for instantly feeling elated that she came out to see me.

"Just checking up on you," she explains, finally having caught her precious oxygen.

"Well, that's sweet of you," I reply, putting a hand on her head, "Thanks."

She bounces up and embraces me, wiggling her head into my shoulder.

"So do you mind telling me what happened exactly?"

So I spent a good 5 minutes summing up what happened. How my best friend asked me out, how i thought I could fall for himi, how I lied to myself and how I hurt him in the end and tried to prolong it.

"Ouch," she mutters, making a slightly pained face, "Poor guy."

I bite my bottom lip in shame and feel a small pinch on my heart, but decided to make excuses anyways.

"I thought it was okay since he was happy, you know? Like with you and Callie."

Her eyes widen and then narrow at me. Then they soften and she looks away for a bit.

"That's different."

I scratch my arm and rub my shoulders, trying to understand what she means. once again she catches onto my confusion.

"Callie shows interest in me, despite the fact that it's an experiment. From what i know you barely showed interest, you just accepted everything and hope that it would come together."

I nod and refuse to look at her.

"It doesn't work like that," she says in a shallow and hoarse breath, "It never does."

She gets up and hugs me, it's loose this time and I feel a longing for a better hug. She doesn't say anything and just leaves.

I sit by myself and refuse to think. But it's impossible as feelings just rush around everywhere.

It's almost march break and my family and I are going to our cottage up north so I have an opportunity to--

"What the?"

In the distance, I see a very familiar girl pushing up against another girl who should've been Arina, but it wasn't. I gasp and turn and hope that Arina ran back to class quickly. But instead I see what i didn't want to see. Arina was standing there stupified, I can feel her eyes starting to water and she turns to me and I stare into those dull eyes and for the first time, I turned away because I wanted to.

---

People keep on making appearances out here during lunch. Arina sprinted off and the girl on girl couple decided to move ebhind tree, although they didn't notice us.

I see Gavin making his way over to me and I run to him.

There's this pain in my legs and in my chest and in my head, but it all goes away when he hugs me.

"I'm sorry," I manage to mutter, and this time, to someone.

Take This to Heart (Part 14)

2010-04-03T10:57:00.000-07:00

A week passes by like a hazy mist of nothingness and all i can remember is crying and bombardments of "Are you okay?"

Gavin hasn't called me. Texted me. Talked to me. Or even looked at me. And everytime I pick up my phone to call him my fingers tremble too much and I end up calling Irene again only to cry and have her come over to hold me.

The only time when I don't feel like there are boulders are on my shoulder is when I'm deep into work or studying.

I'm like a robot when it comes to things like that. I'm so thankful for my very straightforward thinking. It may seem scary to some, but I'm very forward and mechanical when it comes to academics.

Afterall, even though I've already been accepted to my number one university, I can't stop my streak. And even though my parents even offered to pay for everything, I'd like to get those scholarships so they can use that money to get Adrian something wonderful every year as he grows up.

My family is very good at getting me down to earth and relaxed and modertely happy. I know they can tell that something's up, but I do my best to keep it on the down lo, and they respect that. I'm very thankful for their understanding.

Afterall, even though we had that discussionn before, I'm still not ready to say that I'm in love with a girl.

I'm not ready to say that I'm in love period.

There are tears on my french paper. I guess I should stop now.

---

Lunch time was always a good time to think. I'm sitting on the benches outside alone with Irene. She's going on about some guy in her computer class who hits on her everyday, hoping that she'll be his prom date. I just laugh at her facial expressions.

She stops.

"You know, you can't be in this slump forever," she says softly, her gentle tone snapping me out of my trance.

I turn away from the swaying leaves of trees and look at her face. Her hazel eyes were coated with concern and I tried my best to smile.

The muscles in my face wouldn't move and I continued to look stern.

"I know," I finally respond, heaving a heavy sigh on the world.

She wraps an arm around my shoulders and I find comfort in her hold.

"Gavin is--"

"Gavin won't even look at me," I begin, a trembling in my voice. My tear ducts are too dry from the morning that i can't bring myself to cry. It doesn't help that it's now my time of the month.

"Gavin...he just can't talk to you when you're like this," Irene mutters, "He hates seeing you like this, and he's scared that you'll want to start things up again."

I stare at the grass beneath the bench and bite my bottom lip. Would I really want to start things up again?

"But I don't, and I won't," i reply, "I can't hurt him again."

She rubs my shoulder gently and kisses my forehead, "You won't, but that's not the point. You need to sort out your own problems first. You need to turn back into Lea."

I paused and concentrated and sighed.

"Did I really change?"

Irene giggles and pulls me closer, "Yeah, and it's kind of funny."

I raise my eye brow and inch away from her, "Um, funny? You call my suffering funny?"

She giggles again and lets go of me, "The fact that something is happening to make you like this is funny. You're never like this. It's kind of cool."

"Okay, but funny?"

"I just like laughing, you know that."

There is silence once again and she snorts. I cough trying to hold back my own reaction. She snorts again and breaks into little fits of laughter. I finally catch her contagious, dorky laugh and we sit there like idiots, laughing at nothing and everything at the same time.

Take This to Heart (Part 13)

2010-04-03T09:46:00.000-07:00

I somehow find my composure beneath layers and layers of 1-ply toilet paper and somehow I manage to breathe again. I sniffle and blink and stare and breathe and repeat the routine over and over again.

"I'm sorry," I whisper to no one.

I feel sick to my stomach. Sick because of how I'm treating my friend, sick at the unmistakable happiness I had when Arina came for me, sick because of the awful lingering odour, sick that I'm actually experiencing the true, highschool, dramatic experience, sick that I'm not even sure who I am and what I'm doing anymore.

I'm not the type of person to lie about my feelings; I'm emotional and I know it, I'm honest and I know it, and I hate liars, and I know it. I can't figure out why I'm so different now.

Gavin doesn't deserve this. He fell for Lea, not for me. I can't imagine anyone who could fall for this. I'm a mess, I'm confused, I...I hurt my friends.

Fuck.

Gavin knows me. He should know that my heart hasn't been in this. But, why did he continue anyways? I don't know. Maybe he really is okay with this.

Maybe if I keep on trying, I WILL develop feelings for him.

I can make this real, right?

Once my eyes have lost the red hue, I walk casually back into class, only a few eyes are on me. My teachers eyes me with concern and I simply nod at him.

---

It's lunch time and Gavin comes to see me. This time I take initiative and embrace him as he walks towards me. He smiles, and warmth and love seeps out of it like usual. But the smile disappears in an instant when i grab his hand.

That probably isn't something good.

He grabs my arm a little roughly and pulls me outside. I feel a little bit more than confused and jokingly say, "You're going to be late, Gav."

"This is more important," he replies. His tone is cold, and I don't feel any warmth any more and some sort of strained love.

Once we're outside I find myself panting for breath even though we haven't walked for long. I think it's the nervousness in the pit of my soul that's draining at the oxygen around me. Or maybe it's the bleak, sort of random (to me) coldness that's taking away all the air.

"Le," he starts as my eyes stare at my shoes, wondering why they're untied.

"Yes?" I reply, continuing to stare at my ever so interesting shoes.

"Lea!" he shouts. I haven't heard this tone of voice. At least, not recently.

I decide to give in and look him in the eyes. And I nearly jump back at the emotion that was vibrating in them. I bite my bottom lip.

"Yes?" I mutter weakly, now unable to think.

"I've had enough," he mutters, his eyes burning holes into my own. His eyes are intense but his voice is weak. He sounds really hurt and I did this.

"Enough of what?" I reply stupidly, knowing exactly what he means, but my mouth seems to be running on it's own.

He turns away for a second and coughs. I can tell he's trying to not cry. I love that about Gavin. always trying to be a good, sensitive guy, but still embarrassed to cry or show pain when he gets tackled on the football field.

"This," he replies. My heart stops and I put my hand to my chest.

"What?" I retort and I feel like slapping myself. For Christ's sake Lea, why are you pressing him?

"I don't even know," he almost whispers.

"Look," I start, I think my sensible side is ready to take responsibility. Maybe I can explain things now, maybe it's not too late.

"No, no, Lea, stop it, it's too late" he interrupts, his eyes piercing mine again.

"Yeah, Gav?" I state, feeling my heart shrivel up.

"Why?" he simply asks, "All I want to know, is why you lied to me."

I freeze, "I-I didn't lie to you!"

"Lea, your eyes are looking everywhere, you know you're lying, I know you're lying. I just want to know why you'd do this to me."

There's a tiny pinch.

"Do what to you? You're happy aren't you?! I'm happy, we've been so happy together, I don't know, I thought I saw it, I felt it," I was being defensive, I didn't know what else to say.

I felt like going on and on, I felt like blaming him for everything, that if he really didn't like it, if I really wasn't making him happy, he should've stopped it on his own. But I know deep down inside that all I can do is be defensive and how that this will all go away.

"Gavin, I--"

He just hugs me. Like he usually does when we argue. When he holds me this tightly I can barely breathe, literally, but it calms me down. He says nothing, and I feel him squeeze out all the wrong things that I was thinking and feeling. And I decided to shut up.

I'm crying.

He lets go of me.

"Le, this is over. I'm sick of you pretending for me. I'm...going," the last part of his speech is almost a whisper and he turns away from me. I stare at his disappearing figure and I feel like I have to shout out to him. Run to him. Hug him. Tell him that I want it to be real, that I was pretending so it could eventually be real. But yes, it was a stupid thought. I hurt him and I can never take it back.

"I'm sorry," I whisper to no one again.

ohh i like you

2010-04-01T20:31:00.001-07:00

holy shit.
first two weeks of april are going to be intense
well
lol

4-10 is Unity xD

11-17 is PIP thing, No Name Calling Week and Day of Silence
o_o

wow

jello

2010-04-01T14:18:00.000-07:00

Really getting into this semester
<3
the warm weather is getting me into a good mood :)

so its the four day weekend :D

current plans:
friday: watch a movie? drawing/writing, sleeeeeep iiiiiiin :D
saturday: WRITING
Sunday: peopleeee. not liking the bbq cleaningness. MAYBE JUR <3
monday: WRITING. then at 12AM homework :P

:) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GoPInA0LyA&sns=em
favourite Adam song + its in BERNS :DDD

Omegle is amazing :P

2010-03-31T20:39:00.000-07:00

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hey there
Stranger: howdy:)
You: hehe that made me giggle
Stranger: asl?
You: 16, female and canadian :)
You: you?
Stranger: 15, male, michigan USA
Stranger: may i see your knee caps
Stranger: ?
You: LOL no
You: that's kind of random
Stranger: what about the shines?
Stranger: shins?
You: umm, no. sorry :P
Stranger: spin?
You: huh?
Stranger: tail bone?/
You: nawwwww
Stranger: booty hole?
Stranger: how about the back of your neckk?
You: noooope
You: this is odd
You: not surprising though
Stranger: hahah
Stranger: do you think im serious
Stranger: ?
You: i can't say for sure
You: :P
You: but yeah that made me laugh
You: thanks haha
Stranger: guess whatt?
You: tail bone one got me :')
You: whaaat?
Stranger: ( . Y . ) boobies
You: hah
You: i use that as a name in Super Smash Bros :P
You: 8=D --- penis
Stranger: thats a little penis
Stranger: :
You: it's okay. its the technique that matters
Stranger: but what if its this long....
Stranger: 8===================================================================D~~~~
You: then i think my vag will suffer. and the guy will probably have some special, custom made pants
Stranger: haha
Stranger: then i have some special made pants:)
You: :P
You: good one
You: penises that are too long kind of freak me out
Stranger: mines 16 inches
You: and worry about how vulnerable the guy is
You: i bet it is
Stranger: it is
You: when's the last time you measured?
Stranger: a couple weeks ago
You: well you should check again
You: you never know, these things can shrink or maybe grow even bigger
Stranger: hahah
You: :P
You: does the thing have a name?
Stranger: yeahh
Stranger: philis
Stranger: :)
You: ahh, what made you decide on that name?
Stranger: well i didnt want to pick cleatus
You: true true
You: is he experienced?
Stranger: yeah, too much if you ask mee
Stranger: hes a partyer
You: ahh
You: try not to hurt the poor thing
Stranger: illl try not too
Stranger: so do your twoo things have names?
You: naw, but I should get on that, shouldn't i?
Stranger: yeahh you shouldd
You: what do you think?
You: they should be names that go well together
Stranger: well first things first in order to pick the name you have to know the zie big or small?
You: i'd say pretty big. not, break my back big, but big
Stranger: well then...
Stranger: (:
You: :P
You: no, no pictures of the two
Stranger: :(
You: i thought about maybe the shins, but naww
You: maybe when i'm older, horny, and completely bored
Stranger: haha now im madd:(
You: sorry man, too early for that
You: i apologize to Phillis
Stranger: hahah its okk
You: :P
You: have you actually managed to get photos?
Stranger: yeahh and it was rather easy but your making difficult
Stranger: :/
You: some girls have pics of their bodies all ready and saved
You: 1. it's too much work
You: 2. ew, i'm not getting naked for a stranger
You: 3. pictures are unflattering
You: 4. too much work
Stranger: 2. im not a stranger we've been equanted
Stranger: 3. doubt it
Stranger: 1 and 4 no it not
You: :P
You: how long have you been up to this sneaky work?
Stranger: not long about 15 seconds
You: lol what's the strategy?
Stranger: :)
You: you have to think of something better than just asking!
Stranger: well if i recall i neveer asked
You: yes
You: "may i see your ____"
Stranger: wait yes what
You: polite, yes, but weird
You: at the beginning of our conversation! the random body parts
Stranger: yeahh but i neveer said some other one
Stranger: ones**
You: :P
You: i guesss
Stranger: you guess whatt
Stranger: ?
Stranger: :)\
You: the answer is still no buddy
You: i'm curious as to why you havent disconnected yet
You: you think i'm going to cave in?
Stranger: im not going to lie i really think you wont
You: :P
You: haha, still going to try?
Stranger: yupp:)
You: haha
You: what's the next strategy?
Stranger: no strategy just short simple and too the point
You: haha
You: well if it's been working for you then why not? :P
Stranger: :0
Stranger: :)*
You: lol do you have like, a collection now?
Stranger: nope no were close
You: whaaa?
Stranger: lol nvm
Stranger: but nope i dont have a collection
You: would you like one? :')
You: is that the goal
Stranger: yess
Stranger: pweeez:9
Stranger: :)
You: LOL
You: noooo
You: but i admire your determination
You: and perversion
Stranger: loll i figgured you were going to say thatt lol
You: :P
You: of course, of course
Stranger: haha'
Stranger: i have no chance of a picture tonight do i?:(
You: noo, sorry bud
You: and i think i'm going to bed soon
You: but thanks. this was fun :P
Stranger: alrightt i respect that
Stranger: but im going to leave now:) sowwy
You: haha :P
You: byee!
Stranger: bye bye
Stranger: should i leave?
You: haha yeah :P i would ask if you want to exchange emails or something, but i have a feeling you'll just ask again
You: :P
Stranger: lmao your rightt imm sorry:)
You: :P
You: good to know you're sorry
You: and once this convo is over you'll just prey on another girl
You: good stuff
Stranger: no i wont im going to go in the kitchin and give philis a snack
You: sounds hot :P
You: anywaysss, going now~
You: night Philis! night guy with Philis

frackgle?

2010-03-31T19:49:00.000-07:00

sometimes things make me so mad.
some people are so insane and stupid and UGH.

---

anyways, having fun developing my characters instead of doing my math homework. This week is going to be SO slack.

friday: passion of the christ, do something, idunno
saturday: idunno o_o
sunday: bbq -_-
monday: im not sure LOL

yeahup. SO slack.

omg. I'm avoiding homework and talking to strangers
I MUST SAY
this is really fun :')

You: hey
Stranger: dawgg I like your shoes
You: i bet you do
Stranger: they're like me, black.

<3333

YES. LOL

if you plan on doing something like this, don't forget to play it safe :P

sing for the moment

2010-03-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

Been pretty awkwardly moody in the mornings. I don't know, maybe it's just a lack of sleep or something. But after a while I get better :)

Wow, I'm starting to really love my english class. I've gotten used to the people, and I almost never hear "gay". I actually find them entertaining now. The asian one calmed down, and everyone else is just plain funny. Well, not entirely funny. Sometimes just plain stupid, but still, I know they're decent, good kids that mean well. And Amaral does a good job of controlling things (most of the time) :P. There are some people I'm even becoming a bit friendlier with.

It feels good :). I love being exposed to new people and learning more about the human race. I love listening to how our generation talks, and finding out that there's more to someone than what meets the eye even though i knew that already. I just love...newness. I think that's what i love most about academic.

People warned me about the potential stupidity of the academic population, but there actually isn't that many of them. Sure some actualy kind of act stupid on purpose, or just work hard but doesn't get as great of a mark, but are actually really good people. It's like they all say, just give them a chance, right?

I really love Bio right now~ Evolution is SOOO interesting :DDDD!! I felt a whole bunch of anthro flashbacks...but ahhhh, I miss McQuaid :(

I love how I have a gr 12 class second period :') I'm going to tomorrow's mass/liturgy thingy AND thursdays :') Although I am not exactly excited about seeing the same thing again, I do like NOT DOING WORK :D Especially so early in the morning :')

And....meh I love french but my mark is shit. I seriously need to shape up. I've been working hard, but it's just not good enough.

But yeah, despite my moodiness, random bursts of crying and sadness, I'm actually really good and happy. :)

Two more days til the long weekend, then two days before Unity.

SOOOO FUCKING EXCITED <3
SERIOUSLY
YOU HAVE NOOOO IDEA :DDDDD!!

Meet my pals~!

2010-03-28T18:40:00.000-07:00

Inspired by my lover :) 'Cept mine will be cooler and more in depth cause I have just that much time to spare xD I used to do these all the time actually.

I made these characters a while ago. i don't know when I'll turn them into a story, but you can meet them now and tell me if you like them :D
---

1. Introduce yourselves :D

Kristi: Hey there, I'm Kristi and this is my brother Hadrian.
Hadrian: Yo!! Don't let our looks deceive you. We may not be blood related, but we're siblings at heart.
Kristi: Wow, that's surprisingly sweet of you.
Hadrian: Ah~ I'm hurt sis, I'm always sweet!

Autumn: I'm Autumn! I'm an only child with many many cousins.
Hadrian: She's not kidding.
Kristi: They all look the same as well. Kind of freaky.
Autumn: GUYS! Why are you in my slot?
Hadrian: Because we love you very much.
Autumn: But it's MY slot.
Kristi: Hade, we better get going.
Hadrian: I already said-
Autumn: MY SLOT.
Hadrian: RUN AWAAAAAY~!
Kristi: Sorry Autumn!

Theo: I'm Theo :)
Kristi: This guy loooooves food!
Theo: Hey! Get away from my intro! You had your chance.
Kristi: He's a bit on the chubby side, but he is popular with the ladies.
Theo: Um, shouldn't I-
Kristi: His dads are HILARIOUS, seriously. Sometimes I wish he was as funny as they are.
Theo: Oh, I give up.

Hiro: Name's Henry, don't forget it.
Hadrian: He's lying, his name is Hiro.
Hiro: Excuse me, I think I know what my name is.
Hadrian: Well excuse me, why are you throwing away a beautiful name?
Hiro: If anyone has a beautiful name, it's you. I wish I had a name like Hadrian. Now go away.
Hadrian: Don't be meeaaaaaan Hirooooo-kuuuunnn.
Hiro: UGH. Please don't try to sound Japanese.
Hadrian: But whyyyyyyy
Hiro: That's it, I'm walking away.
Hadrian: T_T

Ridley: I'm Ridley, but most people just call me Stone. That's my last name :)
Autumn: She's shockingly one of my best friends. She has the inability to lie. Isn't that neat?
Ridley: Um, I can lie. I AM afterall very human.
Autumn: Oh Ridley, you don't get it do you?
Ridley: Get what?
Autumn: I give up.

Kain: I'm Kain.
Hadrian: He doesn't talk much.
Hiro: You talk too much.
Hadrian: What's this? I thought you walked away.
Hiro: You followed me.
Hadrian: Oh yeah~

2. What do you like to do in your spare time? :D

Hadrian: I like cooking.
Kristi: I blog all the time. I'm actually pretty famous and-
Hadrian: No no wait, I like painting more.
Kristi: I have a lot of followers who comment on my blog-
Hadrian: NO, WAIT, I'M CHANGING THAT TO SINGING. I loooove karaoke.
Kristi: OH MY GOD. WOULD YOU SHUT UP?
Hadrian: Sorry sis...T_T

Autumn: Studying.
Ridley: She's dead serious. This girl is absolutely boring.
Autumn: And yet here you are being friends with me.
Ridley: Ah, but that's because being your friend gives me access to the NON boring things.
Autumn: You should answer the question, oh and nothing is not a good answer.
Ridley: EXCUSE ME. I do not do NOTHING, I do many things in my spare time.
Autumn: You're too easily distracted. I don't think spending 5 minutes on 10 different things counts as anything.
Ridley: Oh and STUDYING does?
Autumn: Yes.
Ridely: Well, IT DOESN'T.
Autumn: If you say so.

Hiro: I like skateboarding.
Hadrian: With those dirty street kids.
Hiro: They're not called street kids, they're my neighbours you freak.
Hadrian: but they're so dirty, and they're always on the street, therefore, dirty street kids.
Hiro: Just because their hair isn't as straight and shiny and perfect as yours doesn't make them dirty.
Hadrian: Oh~ So you like my hair?
Hiro: Oh dear God, walking away again.

Theo: I like video games :)
Kristi: You should try not to.
Theo: But why?
Kristi: Cause maybe THEN you'll finally get good marks at school.
Theo: But I like video games :( and food.
Kristi: Sometimes I worry about you.
Theo: Well, don't, because I'm fine. -pouts-

Kain: I like to draw.
Hadrian: THIS GUY IS AMAZING! THIS ONE TIME, HE DREW ALL OF US ANDANDAND HE GAVE IT TO ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY AND MY MOMS JUST LOVED IT, ANDANDAND I GAVE HIM A HUG :D
Hiro: No one cares.
Hadrian: And here you are again~
Hiro: YOU. FOLLOWED. ME.
Theo: Guys, don't fight.
Kristi: Theo, leave those two alone.
Theo: But their loudness hurts my ears.
Autumn: Would you all just shut up?
Ridley: Ah, friends, how can you live without them?

3. Favourite band/artist and why.

Hadrian & Kristi: LADY GAGA
Hadrian: STOP CALLING STOP CALLING I DON'T WANNA THINK ANYMORE
Kristi: I LEFT MY HEAD AND MY HEART OF THE DANCEFLOOR.
Theo: I hate it when you guys play Lady Gaga.
Hadrian: YOU HATE LADY GAGA?!
Theo: N-No, I just hate it when you play her music.
Hadrian: WHY DO YOU HATE LADY GAGA?!
Hiro: hadrian, calm yourself.
Theo: I-I just don't like it when it's too loud...
Kristi: Oh Theo, so fragile, so delicate.
Theo: You say this, and yet you never treat me carefully.
Hadrian: uh-oh.
kristi: Huh?
Theo: You know how sensitive I am and yet-
Hadrian: OHEMGEE, DRAMA! LET'S GET AWAY HIRO!
Hiro: Don't touch me.

Ridley: Anything Canadian. And no, please don't automatically assume Tegan and Sara just because I'm a lesbian.
Autumn: But they are your favourite.
Ridley: hey, I was just trying to play some mindgames but SOMEONE had to ruin it.
Autumn: I like anything that won't make my ears bleed.
Ridley: Did you not hear me?
Autumn: But mostly acoustic music. Something that is easy to listen to while I study, and that won't get my parents all fire up. Don't really have a favourite though.
Ridley: STOP IGNORING ME.

Kain: I like music.
Hadrian: What's your favourite band? Or maybe artist? :D
Kain: I'm not sure
Hadrian: How about Lady gaga?! :D
Kain: I don't like-
Ridley: H-He doesn't like listening to music when it's very loud. He's very sensitive in the ears like Theo.
Hadrian: Oh!
Ridley: Come on Kain, (let's leave this freak) and let's go get some icecream.
Kain: I like music.
Hadrian: WHY IS EVERYONE LEAVING ME?!

Theo: I really enjoy...um...Well actually I don't really listen to music.
Ridley: BLASPHEMY! HOW CAN YOU LIVEEEEE.
Theo: I don't know. I don't really care.
Ridley: Oh my, Theo, I'm taking you down to the closest music store and we're getting you some music!
Autumn: Don't hurt the poor thing. And what's wrong with not liking music?
Ridley: It just doesn't make any sense!
Hiro: He's allowed to not like music
Ridley: What are you doing here? Go away and flirt with Hadrian some more.
Hiro: ...I'm not gay.
Ridley: Ah, so you don't deny it?
Hiro: Walking away again.

4. What can you say about homosexuality?

Hadrian: My mothers are beautiful people, therefore, homosexuals are beautiful people.
Kristi: Amen to that.

Autumn: I'm fine with them as long as they don't try to take away my rights.

Ridley: Not sure, want to ask my girlfriend the same question?

Theo: It's something natural? I don't know. I always accepted it, afterall, I do thoroughly enjoy the company of my fathers.

Hiro: I'm not gay.
Ridley: that's not the question!
Hiro: Oh, well, homosexuality is okay i guess.
Ridley: YOU GUESS?!
Hiro: What? I don't know. I'm not gay.
Ridley: ...I'm going to walk away now.
Hiro: Good.

Kain: ...I'm sorry mommy :(
Ridley: Oh Kain...it's okay...let's go clean up our apartment roommate.
Kain: Can i wear my maid outfit?
Ridley: OH! Yes, yes you can :D
Hiro: He has a maid outfit?
Hadrian: Kain has a lot of outfits!
Kain: -nods-

5. What is a friend?

Hadrian: Someone who is true to themselves and to you :)

Kristi: Someone to hang out with.

Autumn: I don't know.

Ridley: Someone special :)

Hiro: Someone to talk to? I don't know.

Kain: Friends are nice.

Theo: Friends make food taste better :)

6. Who is your best friend? (This is asked secretly and individually)

Hadrian: Kristi

Kristi: Hadrian

Autumn: -sigh- Ridley

Theo: Kristi, most of the time. Otherwise, Chichi.

Hiro: Promise you won't tell anyone? It's Hadrian.

Ridley: Autumn!! :D

Kain: Room mate :)

7. Okay, I'll continue another day.

Jaded (2)

2010-03-27T22:25:00.000-07:00

This new school seemed really...crummy.

My eyes wandered from brick to brick, tracing delicate lines on the outer walls only judging its physical appearance. My heart was beating fast. I realized the last time that going into a new school was annoying and difficult.

The title of "gifted" always made me think. Why do we get a seperate class? Were my new classmates going to be extremely smart?

Would I fit in?

That last question is something we all think or feel whether we acknowledge it or not. The feeling to belong was always a basic human need. Once again I felt the wind drive into my track pants and flow just as quickly right out. I took a deep breath and my mom wished me luck.

---

I really hate my name sometimes. Having four different names and being called by the third one did not register with schools right away.

I remember having to visit about 4 other classes, looking for the name Bernadine, only to realize that yes, I did go to the right class at the beginning, but I was under the name Maria.

Ugh, the way that teacher spoke to me on the first day did not help my desperate situation. When I entered the class I realized that it was a split. I remembered that grade 5 students were the new gifted kids, and so they didn't know each other at all. The other side, where I supposedly belonged, was loud and talkative because they all knew each other.

The teacher, Ms. Bull, yelled at me to take a seat. Not wanting to anger the...thing, I just sat down where it was closest. I stared at the curious eyes around me, and waited for my instructions.

It's funny, for the longest time, Bull thought I was in grade 5. Probably because I befriended them first and sat with them. It's not my fault she didn't explain anything to me and she's too pathetic of a teacher to check my records.

You know, for my whole life up til then I loved teachers and i always thought they were amazing, patient, loving people. Until I met this one. She always made me want to cry or just plain mad.

My family always knew me as someone happy and loud, but I was completely the opposite at school. I was quiet and kept to myself, and I drew.

Haha, I remember Natalie, Jessica and Brittany approaching me. They were the girls of the Grade 6s and they managed to understand that i was in Gr 6. Well, after a couple of days.

I remember drawing when they came to ask if I wanted to hang out. I felt scared and shy, especially since they looked so close to each other. I stared for a while, but declined their offer.

According to Jess, I said "I like bugs."

I still don't believe that.

---

Gifted was an okay class. We had a lot of projects and I wasn't exactly doing my best. I learned throughout the year that Bull was a fucking bitch.

I was almost always with the grade 5s for they were my closest friends. Eventually a new girl came into their grade and some new drama occured. By that point I felt like I didn't really care and that it would soon pass.

I'm pretty sure that the other girls in grade 6 along with those who were not in my class, formed some sort of Bernadine Fanclub. At the time, and still to this day i believed that they did that just to make fun of me.

I sort of became a drifter at that point, going from one group of people to another. Just going to somewhere to feel like I belonged.

At that time I kinda felt numb on the inside and just did what i could to stay "with it". Sometimes I would just sit and stare at everything around me, observing things, sometimes being talked to as well. Sometimes that "fanclub" would just meet in a huge group and kinda look at me and talk. I was annoyed by that. I have a lot of anger issues, then and even now. I also thought a lot. Sometimes, even to this day I think that thinking too much is bad for me.

---

We had this music project, and me and Jessica were partners. We did Billy Talent, and that's when I was exposed to this song called "Nothing to Lose". To this day it still gives me goosebumps.

That was the first time, I believe, that I was introduced to the concept of suicide.

It intrigued me. So I did more research on it.

Sorry, remembering this right now is kinda hurting me. It's almost 2 AM and I really think I should go to bed.

Jaded (1)

2010-03-27T22:01:00.000-07:00

Prologue: The Great Change

The minute they mentioned the word "move" I could barely breathe. Although being in the 5th grade I had so much of my life ahead of me, I still couldn't bear to imagine leaving people that I considered my closest friends, breaking a bond that formed over the long span of 7 years.

No, I wasn't ready.

Of course, even though my dad got a job upgrade and things were going to become better for us, it didn't exactly penetrate the mind of an 11 year old. My friends meant a lot to me back then, and I really hated the world for taking them away from me. I was a happy, social kid, who was even close to her teachers. I was known quite well throughout the school, and I swear I cried my heart out on my last day.

Eventually the day came when we loaded all of our things into a truck and drove far away from the land I knew best. Away from home, and now into a strange, foreign land.

I hated it.

Funny though, someone got shot in that old building two weeks after we moved to our new house.

---

It was the middle of my grade 5 school year and my mom was bringing me and my sister to go register at the closest school. I stuck close to her and examined my new surroundings. It felt weird being away from tall apartment buildings, seeing mostly houses and townhouses like my own, and staring at the very low apartment structures that were there instead.

The air seemed cleaner at least. I enjoyed the sun and the trees.

I was never exactly the shyest person in the world, but from having so many friends and knowing everyone to not knowing anyone or anything, of course I was scared shitless. I remember the people in my class being really nice to me, and the teacher had a really nice and clear voice. I felt relaxed and incredibly tense at the same time.

We had multiplication wars; I went up in rank quickly.

Now adults have always been okay with me. I remember having to talk to one a lot to discuss my whole gifted situation. She was tall and european with the thickest accent. I was frightened of her immense height and dark portruding mole. But she was nice.

The girls intimidated me. They seemed so much more grown up than the ones I used to know. They spoke more of boys and playing truth or dare. I kind of just wanted to play basketball or maybe even just draw. However, being the social creatures that girls tend to be, they approached me and drew me close to their circle.

Each of them had a designated crush in our class. I was confused by the concept, for why did you have to have one person? And why can't more than one person like someone?

The guys also seemed more developed.

Hah, I remember these boys and girls almost always talking about going out, or having crushes on each other. I never really liked the idea and just stood there and watched.

Then I met with other people in my class and we bonded. He was a nice guy who taught me some words in a foreign language. He loved playing basketball :) I actually think that maybe there was a point where I liked the guy, but then again those girls were probably just influencing me.

And actually, they eventually did designate him to be my crush.

I was watching him do track 'cause I was his friend, and then they started teasing me about it. I was a little bit more than flushed. I don't know, today I think I did like him. And maybe if we were to bond again I might like him again. I don't know.

Then I met some other girls in the class and they taught me that those girls were "bitches". I didn't really understand but I assumed that they were bad news. Of course, me being me, it didn't make a difference whatsoever.

All these people, no matter how different, no matter who I paired up with in a project, no matter when I hung out with them at recess, no matter what we did at recess, they were all friends to me.

These people being more "advanced" than what I'm used to, however, quickly entrapt me into their mind games and silly drama.

Silly. Fucking. Playground. Drama.

And I got hurt. A lot.

Before that I don't remember ever being hurt or betrayed by a friend. Just annoyed, or mad, but things got settled. But this, this was different.

It didn't help that my situation back at home wasn't the best. It never was the best. Parents seemed close only at random times, but I relied on them. Both of my sisters seemed to have it in for me, but I still relied on them. I needed some sort of love in my life, so i extracted it from wherever I could.

I remember being betrayed a lot.
I remember being lied to a lot.
I remember being laughed at.
I remember feeling alone.

---

By the end of that school year I was told that i was going to attend a different school in Grade 6. My classmates made plans to hang out with me in the summer and some of them followed through. It's kind of amazing how 5 months can affect your life.

Summer seemed to pass by so quickly, and I remember my first day back I got to go to that school for a little bit before heading out to the new one.

It was a cloudy day.

wahwahwoooo

2010-03-27T22:00:00.000-07:00

fucking coffee. i knew I shouldn't have drank some at 11 PM
o_o
yes, I'm stupid, now go away, i'm going to write something

rawdahrah?

2010-03-27T21:29:00.000-07:00

so I kinda spent the whole day drawing
spent the past 2 hours drawing gay men in particular
listened to songs I haven't heard in ages
and hung out with my little sister <3
:)

so yeah, kinda screwed for later today.
so much work to do o_o

uhhhh I want to dye my hair ;=;
oh well

I told ate I'm going to read porn

"how do you read porn?"
"it's called MATURE fiction"
"hehehehehe, mature"

-_-;

:P

massaging ate + reading porn...well maybe lol
one more week and I'm leaking through the promise >_>